Agent 4's Saccharine Mission
by Josh Shrimp
Summary: This Valentine's Day, Agent 4 is a man with big plans, and he's got his sights on Marie. Nothing could possibly get in his way, except maybe his own stupidity. When he can't find Marie, maybe Agent 2 could lend a helping hand.


Hello, hello dear readers. Get yourself ready to be pulverized… by my sweet tale. But before we get to that, let me tell you about myself. My code name is Agent 4 of the great Squidbeak Splatoon. It's a big secret, so keep it to yourself. But more importantly, let me tell you about my boss! To put things bluntly, she's just seriously the best! Her name's Marie and she's like a goddess of pleasantness and sophistication. I seriously respect her. She's super beautiful too, and I think she used to be part of an idol group or something. I don't listen to music, so I wouldn't know. Sometimes I'm not sure if I love or worship her. Which one's better, am I right?

This is starting to get embarrassing to talk about… But I knew the risks going in.

So, by now, I bet you're wondering, "What's this cool guy going on about?" Where AM I going with this? Well, it just so happens that tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I figured that this would be the perfect time to show the Boss just how much I care about her. Pretty clever, right? But I know what you're thinking. "Daring plans such as these can't be executed recklessly." However, I'm already a step ahead of you, reader. I've decided to check with the boss, a whole day in advance, to see if she's made any plans for tomorrow. That way, my plan can go off without a hitch. Pretty flawless thinking on my part.

Everything starts now.

The boss finally came into the base and I artfully got her attention.

"Boss! Boss! Boss!"

She neatly folded up her umbrella and placed it in a holder next to the door.

"Need to talk about something, Agent 4?"

"Oh, nothing really."

"… I see."

"Ah, but out of curiosity, do you have anything planned for tomorrow, Boss?"

"Tomorrow? You mean Valentine's Day?"

"Is it? I guess I forgot. So any plans?"

"Nope. I suppose I'm free."

"Good. Good… Well, bye."

"Hang on a minute, Agent 4. Just so you know, Valentine's Day really isn't my thing. You weren't thinking about doing something that could potentially make both of us a little uncomfortable, were you?"

As expected, Boss is sharp.

I had to disarm her suspicions by making my biggest smile.

"I have no idea what you mean."

Just then, Agent 3 came in.

"Quit bugging Marie, Four."

"I'm not bugging her, I'm asking a question!"

"So ask it."

"… I already asked it!"

"Then quit bugging her! And good morning, Marie."

Augh! I was so preoccupied with my plan, I forgot to say "Good morning" to Marie.

"Good morning, Boss!"

That darn Three. So smug just 'cause she's a little older. Always trying to make a fool out of me.

I could feel the agitation was showing on my face. I had to say something to distract her, and one thing always worked.

"You smell! Take a bath!"

"Ahh! I do take baths, I just sweat a lot! You're an idiot!"

"I am not, you musky cod!"

Right around then, Callie who was always here before anyone else, broke up the argument.

"Hey, now. No fighting. Let's treat each other like family here."

Three and I gave each other a stern look and both agreed.

"Fine."

Callie was nice. She always stopped our fights. I guess it spared Three the humiliation of loss. I think she's Boss' cousin. Oh, and get this, she's also secretly Agent 1, our top agent. So needless to say, she's pretty important around here.

Anyway, now I could get back to Marie without distractions.

"So where were we?"

Marie was busy looking at some papers.

"Were we talking about something? Right, I remember. Were you planning something for me tomorrow?"

Oh, shoot! I forgot I was trying to get out of this conversation.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh…."

Marie let out a heavy sigh. It was really pretty.

"Forget it, Four. It's fine."

Whew. She didn't suspect a thing. Now all I needed to do was spend the rest of the day preparing a card.

Roughly 20 hours of laborious effort later, I was finally done. It was big, vibrant, and heart-shaped; but still fit neatly inside a manila folder for storage. I made sure to only use high quality paper, glue, and ink (not mine). It was pretty marvelous craftsmanship, frankly.

All that was left was to present it to the Boss in the most explosive way possible. Luckily, it was already Valentine's Day and Marie would be arriving soon.

Callie arrived first. She was surprised to see me here so early. Little did she know, I never left. Next was Agent 3. She was being a pain in the rear as usual, tracking dirt and odor all over my freshly vacuumed floor. But I maturely ignored her provocations and let her off with just a simple "kick me" sign slyly applied to her backside. Unfortunately Callie pulled it off for her and we got into a little bit of a scrape early in the morning. I was about 5 seconds away from showing her the back side of my Hero Brush, when I stopped. I sensed Marie's presence.

I instantly turned my back on that useless Three, and ran for the door with a huge grin.

"Morning Boss! Happy Valentines-… Oh, hey…"

She acknowledged me briefly before moving past and sitting down next to Callie. She was a rare sight around the Splatoon. A real mystery, that Agent 2. She barely ever spoke and never took off her mask, but she was basically a nice person.

Three just stared at her rudely with a stupid expression, without even greeting her. Callie whispered in her ear. I assume she was welcoming her. Callie actually had manners, unlike Three.

I waited by the door for another hour, but no one came. It was strange. My Marie sense wasn't usually wrong, and at any rate, she should've shown up by now. What could be keeping her?

I confirmed with Callie to see if she saw Marie before leaving their apartment that morning. She was a bit preoccupied looking at Two when I asked, but Callie told me that she had. Callie must've been wondering what Two looked like under that mask. Understandable, but I had no time for that now. I was getting a bit worried, so I tried phoning Marie a few dozen times. But she never answered.

I expressed my concern that Marie might've run into some trouble on the way here, but Callie assured me that she was fine. I supposed Callie knew better than I would, but it was getting pretty late into the afternoon. This was so unlike the Boss. Two was even starting to take care of some of Marie's duties for her.

It felt a little wrong, but Callie was acting a bit strangely, so I started to suspect that she might be hiding something from me.

Thinking about it, I had a sudden realization and asked Callie about it.

"Hey, um, Callie. Could I ask you something… about Marie?"

Callie seemed a bit nervous.

"G-Go right ahead, Agent 4. Anything you want."

"Thanks. Erm, how do I say this? Is Marie-"

"No!"

"…What?"

"Nothing. Go on."

"Is Marie avoiding me?"

She jumped with surprise. It seems I struck a chord.

Callie tapped her fingers together.

"What would make you think that?"

"It's just that, I think she might've figured out that I planned to give her something today. And I think she might be avoiding me so that I can't give it to her."

"Well…"

"Do you think she doesn't like me?"

"What? No way. Not at all. She sees all of us like family, just like me. And she's especially grateful to you, Agent 4. She's just uncomfortable with her feelings and avoids confronting them sometimes. Don't you agree, Agent 2?"

Callie had an uncharacteristically firm expression as she looked at Two.

Two just shrugged her shoulders.

"Eh."

Those two were right. If the Boss hated me, she would've said something by now. The Boss might've said she wasn't busy today, but even I lied about having plans. I decided it was best to search around town to see if she was out shopping or something. I just had to get this card to her somehow.

Even after checking out all of Marie's favorite shops and restaurants, I couldn't even catch a glimpse of her, and apparently neither had anyone else. It was already getting pretty dark.

I returned back to base to see if Marie checked in while I was gone. Agent 2 was outside getting some fresh air, so I tried asking her.

"Hey, Two!"

She suddenly got anxious when I spoke to her. I guess she really wasn't used to talking to people.

"Need something?"

"Has Marie swung by yet?"

"Haven't seen her."

"Seriously? I've checked everywhere."

"Hmm. That's too bad. Maybe you should just give up."

"Not a chance. I'm gonna give everything I've got to get this card to Marie."

Two let out an exhausted sigh.

"Really?"

"I'm getting this to her, period."

"You know, Agent 4 have you ever thought that maybe you come across a bit too overzealous, and that might be making things difficult for Marie?"

"You think?"

"I think Marie is one of those girls that can't help but pull back if you're too pushy."

I sat down next to Two to rest my legs, or maybe because I hadn't slept in over 40 hours.

"I've actually had that thought before. But I am what I am. I want Marie to like me, but it wouldn't be fair to her if I got her affection by pretending to be something I wasn't."

Around then, I realized I shouldn't have sat down. I didn't have the energy to get back up. So I just sat next to Two for a while, until she asked me something out of the blue.

"Say Four, what do you like about Marie anyway? She's not even that popular anymore. Aren't there better girls?"

"No! There's loads of reasons why I like Marie, and none of them are something stupid like popularity."

"Hmm. Like what?"

"She's beautiful, and kind, and funny. She's a great leader and teacher and she always tells me when I do a good job."

"You could say the same thing about Callie."

"But she's different from Callie too."

"In a good way?"

"Yes, in a good way. You're such a pessimist… But I don't really hate that. Marie's one too."

"I don't think she'd see that as a compliment."

"Well I do."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't get it."

"Like you can explain it?"

"I can!"

"Then tell me."

"She's always expects the worst to happen."

" _Swoooon_."

"I'm not finished. It makes it easier to care about people. Like she watches for every little thing that could go wrong. Then she makes sure the only possible person who can get hurt is herself. You wouldn't know because you've never gone out with us before, but she always acts reluctant to do things so she can go last so that no one gets left out and if they do, she can be there with them. And when we order a bunch of tacos, she always picks out the worse ones for herself. You should see it sometime. They just fall apart and she makes a complete mess of herself. She's just amazing."

"Do you really believe she thinks that deeply about things?"

"I do. It's one of the reasons I lo… like her so much. And I'm starting to feel like a real idiot for not getting this card to her yet."

"So you're disappointed you couldn't tell her how you feel?"

"No. It's not like I expected her to return my feelings. I'm just sad that I couldn't let her know how special she is. Just thinking about her makes every day amazing. I just wish there was some way I could make her happy. Let her feel a little bit like how she makes me feel."

"Hmm… Can I see it? Your card."

"Oh. Sure."

I pulled the folder from my coat and handed it to Two.

Two pulled out the card and opened it.

"Wait, this… this is-"

"It's from everybody."

Two scanned the various notes written and read them aloud.

" **"Thanks for always listening to this rambling crab - Your friend, Sheldon."**

 **"I could never ask for a more thoughtful and loving best friend. You mean the world to me. – Love, Callie."**

 **"You're the freshest idol around. You inspire me. – Stay cool, Pearl."**

 **"I followed my dreams thanks to your encouragement. – Sean."** "

Two's eyes started to water as she read through it. I don't blame her. I did the same thing my first time too. It's a pretty emotional card.

Two wiped her eye.

"You even got Agent 3 to write something. **"Thanks for always being professional and keeping the fool in line. – Agent 3."** This is incredible. There must be over 50 signatures here."

"87."

"This must've taken days."

"Not really. Just one, since I ran."

I stared upward at the moon.

"I just hope she likes it, even though it's so late."

While I focused on the moon, thinking about where Marie might be, I suddenly felt a soft press on my cheek. My whole face felt warm and the moon seemed to get bigger and brighter. It took a moment for me to realize it was a kiss.

I quickly sprung away and tried to hide my blushing face from Two.

"Two! M-My heart only belongs to the Boss!"

Two stood up and turned around.

"Then I'll just have to keep this a secret then."

When I looked again, Two already had her mask back on. Guess I missed my chance to see her face.

I never thought that Two might have feelings for me before. Or did she? Was she just messing with me? It was an awkward sensation.  
As she walked off, all I could think was, "What a mysterious person?"

But then I suddenly realized that Two still had Marie's card!

"Two! Wait! Ouch."

I didn't have enough strength in my legs to go after her.

"Two! Twooooo!"

I just sat there, feeling like an incompetent moron for a little while before passing out.

The next morning, I was shaken awake, still outside.

Marie spoke softly to me.

"Did you sleep here all night?"

"Boss! I've been looking everywhere for you! I've got a… Good morning!"

"Good morning, Agent 4."

"I've a got a special… oh… right. I gotta find Agent 2. She's got my-"

Marie waved the card I made in front of my face.

"Looking for this?"

I had no idea what was going on and I'm sure my face showed it.

"How… How did you?"

"Agent 2 passed it on to me. Thank you, Agent 4. I love it."

"Ooooh. I get it now. Agent 2 took the card to get it to you. But why didn't she just tell me where to find you?"

"Maybe she thought you looked tired. Plus she wanted to sign it."

Marie opened the card up and pointed to an entry.

I squinted my eyes and read it.

" **"U R cool – 2"** Huh. That was nice of her."

Honestly, I wanted to give it Marie directly, but that was just my own selfish wish. Seeing Marie so happy, I couldn't but feel satisfied. I suppose I should've asked Two if she wanted to sign the card myself. Pretty thoughtless of me. I should make it up to her someday.

Marie propped the card up on the mantle, and she called me over.

"Hey Agent 4, come here."

"Yes, Boss."

"It's a beautiful card. All of the entries are great, but this one's my favorite."

She pointed at a small one in the center. It was mine.

It read, **"Marie, you're the best. – A4."**

I gasped in delight.

"Really? You like that one?"

"Mmhmm. I just wish I knew who A4 was supposed to be."

"Huh?! I-It's uhh… It's actually… It's-"

"I'm only kidding. I know it's you."

She laughed and I laughed along. I wanted to ask if that meant it was really her favorite, but it seemed wrong to ask.

After that, things just continued on as usual. Nothing different. No change to the routine. Same as always. Another great day.


End file.
